Can't Sleep
by Eophan
Summary: Alucard made a mistake, and drops in unexpectedly to tell Integra about it.


"What a peculiar world it is we live in, Master."

"Sh-shit! I really hate it when you do that, you know that! Where are you? What time is it?"

"I can't quite tell, let me look, I've been awake for a while now."

"Where did that gun run off to? It was right under my pillow..."

"I daresay it's breaking dawn, judging from the pale of the sky. It's not the same as a clear night, but still a lovely color, don't you think?"

"There you are, get away from the window, you'll attract attention... Oh damn it that's right I left it with Walter to clean... Oh... Hell, I'll shoot you later, just close those curtains."

"At once. Such a generous mood I've caught you in today, busy as you are. Hmm, no rest for the weary I see?"

"I really hate having to bring work here, but it's the weekend... It's these munitions and rations reports. I'm stuck cleaning up after everyone's laxness, as usual. I'm going to wring someone's neck if those soldiers can't get their God damn paperwork together."

"Good to see that your numerous talents are not being wasted, but I'll gladly wring many a neck in your stead."

"Can it, I'm speaking metaphorically."

"And shooting your dutiful servant is theoretical?"

"Practical. It isn't polite to just show up in other people's rooms. Stop pacing, it unnerves me."

"I'm rather awake at the moment."

"I've noticed. What's got you so chipper so early- or late, whatever."

"I haven't slept in days, but the energy that I feel at the moment is... Significant."

"Significant. Uh huh. Joy of joys, what mess have you gotten yourself into this time?"

"Let me weave a thread for you. You see, I've long been familiar with the coffee bean and it's many uses-"

"Oh for fucks sake-"

"But I've never actually thought to consume the filth myself, being those soldiers slog it down their vulgar throats to, quoth, 'stay alive,' but what a mistake I've been making all these years..."

"So you drank coffee. Lovely. Is that even possible? Do you know what that stuff does to a normal persons organs?"

"A conundrum, isn't it? Our enemies have been quiet lately, and I've had a lot of time these past few days to consider the matter. I find that the consumption is not harmful, but may actually be helpful to me, in particular."

"You've been thinking about coffee this entire time?"

"Time is a tricky and relative thing, you know. To my understanding, the Hellsing organization was originally intended for the study of _me,_ and I believe my reporting of anything new to be justified and sound."

"Well, the purpose was more along the lines of learning how to dispose of your kind...You really want to tell me about this, don't you?

"It's very exciting, new things don't happen to me very often."

"Me me me, that's all it is with you. Fine, indulge me, but sit _down _if you must."

"But my mind wanders whilst I speak. When was the last time I've been in here? You've gained an impressive collection of trinkets."

"You're growing more insane every day, you come in here randomly every month or so... Do you _have _to play with _everything _in my room that isn't bolted to the floor?"

"A peculiar world we live in, indeed, when trivialities such as these become staple décor, but I do enjoy the somewhat symbolic chaos that a simple shake, as thus, produces."

"Stop insulting my snow-globes and tell me about your coffee."

"Yes, of course, I'll take this chair then. You see, when your human metabolic rate is increased, from drinking coffee let's say, you are essentially shortening your life in exchange for heightened capacity and productivity. Morbid, isn't it? So fascinating that humans would willingly waste themselves away in the name of power. Fascinating."

"No need to act so giddy about it, but yes, basic human anatomy."

"While I may be immortal, my need for sustenance to ensure my mobility and comfort is great. Blood is my life, and all that, but sleep is unfortunately also essential for energy. My metabolism is never-ending, allowing me to reform myself automatically if gravely wounded."

"Huh, so that's how that works."

"Well, that and I'm also a vampire, so you know, it happens. Demons, souls of those I've damned, they help too."

"...Right."

"So my metabolism is never-ending, which brought me to the question: how does coffee boost infinity? The simplest metaphor I could deduce was that it is like high-tide to an ocean, as the ocean is equally unending. I've come to the conclusion that I am still capable of breaking down the various compounds within the coffee, much like how you would the nicotine in cigar smoke."

"So... It evaporates?"

"Not quite, it works like drinking anything else, blood in my case, but the caffeine is an aid. Despite my initial repulsion to the stuff, if I drink quickly I hardly notice the horrific taste. From there, it is transferred directly to my bloodstream, and then the rest of my system. After my blood has circulated to my brain, I no longer feel the need to sleep. I'm not yet sure how well I digest the stuff, however. I haven't poked around my insides for fun in a century or so, but I'm fairly certain my major organs are mostly useless anyway, so there won't be too many side-effects."

"...Alucard."

"Hmm?"

"Do you know what you just described to me?"

"What's that?"

"You just described _how drugs fucking work._ I don't know if I should hug you for being so naïve or have you drawn and quartered for wasting my time."

"Imagine the possibilities Master! For just a moment! I will never again have to die periodically for hours at a time! Imagine all that I could accomplish!"

"..."

"And well, a hug. I'd really rather a hug, actually."

"You're an idiot. Vampires aren't supposed to drink coffee. We have an image to uphold. End of discussion."

"I un-end it. I could raze an entire country for you. I could invent a new method of biological warfare. I could send a plague of biblical proportions to Iscariot's headquarters. I could do all of it _right now, _because I feel just that damn good. What an exciting world it is we live in!"

"Yeah I bet you'd like that, you genocidal maniac."

"Let's not dredge up old news, shall we?"

"I'm not having you do _anything_, actually, until you're off your caffeine-high. You're actually trembling, you're so damn hyped up."

"A 'high'? Is that what this is called? How fitting."

"You've never heard of it before? Coffee is a drug you know, a highly addictive, unhealthy drug. When was the last time you went without sleep?"

"I think, when you tortured me with sleep deprivation, oh, last year? I can't remember what I did..."

"See! Torture! A widely-used method at that! You really don't think that staying awake for days on end is a bad thing?"

"In this case, no. Only fools see the endurance of pain as a measure of worth, and as you may have noticed, I am not suffering. I should make the Police-Girl have some, might actually have faster progress..."

"Do _not _do that. You know what, I just remembered how pointless it is trying to talk to you. Turn around, I'm going to go get dressed."

"In the other room? Why must I turn around then?"

"You're a perverted spy and you know it."

"That was _one time._ Oh right, that's why you tortured m- You're changing the subject on purpose!"

"Nooo, you think? Turn around and sit still, right there."

"I can't sit still, I don't think you fully grasp my situation."

"_Still as stone._"

"I'm not letting this drop. Not now, not ever."

**-**S_ound of bathroom door slamming-_

_-Silence-_

"Master!"

"What?"

"The energy! It's too much!"

"Deal with it!"

-S_ilence-_

"Alucard?"

-_Bathroom door opening_-

"Alu-...HOLY SHIT!"

-_Grrrr_-

"Keep your wits about you! The dogs of war are loose!"

-_Bathroom door slamming_-

"There's hellhounds in my room!"

"Quite."

"Get them out get them out!"

"I thought you were a dog person, Master."

"I hate dogs and I hate demons and I hate coffee and I hate _bloody stinking vampires_!"

"Aw, aren't you overreacting a little?"

"Get them out!"

"Hum, alrighty. Away demons, shoo."

"CALL THEM BACK!"

"I can't, they've stolen my excess energy. I'm very tired suddenly."

"That's the side-effects! You wretch! You fucking monstrous piece of shit!"

"Now now Master, they're really very tame."

-_Groooowl-_

-_CRASH_-

"What was that?"

"One of them knocked into the table with your snow-globes. Sorry."

"Sorry? You don't know the meaning of sorry! Kill them!"

"Must I? I'm rather attached to them, haha, they're a vital part of me actually."

"Are you saying you can't kill them?"

"It would be a very bad idea. Counter-productive indeed. Maybe I could lure them out of the manor."

"Do it! Do it now!"

"Alright, here boys, here here," -_whistle whistle_- "down I say, _down_." -_GrrrSNAP-_ "Hehe, tried tearing my face off, the scamp."

"Stop playing with them or I'll call Walter and have him kill all of you!"

"Oh _fine_, it was lovely talking with you Master."

"Shut your fucking mouth!"

"..."

"RAAAAAAAWRRRGGGHHHH!"

"Huh?"

"I had to stand up... So tired... Such a pain this all is... What an annoying world it is we live in..."

-_CRASH_-

"GET THEM OUT!"

"That was me, I fell over your nightstand. What a luxurious bed you have, Master." -_CRASH_- "That was my hounds though, I hope you weren't too attached to that glass case over in the corner."

"My china!"

"Hmm, I can't stand now."

"That's it!" -_beeep- _"Walter! Walter there's a mess in my room! Clean it up right now!"

"Wait! Maybe if I crawl out on all fours they'll follow my example!"

"Why don't you just jump out the window than?"

"Excellent idea! The window is much closer! Give me a minute to get my bearings..."

"Ugh!"

-_Sound of door opening-_ "Master Integra?- Woah! There's hellhounds in your room!"

"Hi Walter."

"Alucard? Why are you on the floor?"

"I can explain. You see, coffee has a rather interesting effect on me-"

"Shut up! Both of you!"

"Master Integra, stay right where you are, I'll be done momentarily."

"Huff, no one ever wants to listen to what _I _have to say."

_-WRRRR SNAP whimper whimper-_

"I have them hogtied, what shall I do with Alucard?"

-_Bathroom door opening-_

"M-my room..."

"Yes, a disaster indeed... So Alucard drank coffee?"

"I never want to hear that word again. Alucard! Just get out of here!"

"It seems he's fallen asleep."

"..."

"..."

"...Throw him out the window."

"Hmm?"

"Just do it. I hope he rots in the sun."

"Of course."

-_Sound of window opening_-

"Urgh, for such a skinny man he weighs a ton." -_Thump-_ "The deed is done. Would you like some tea while I have everything here repaired?"

"...Nothing caffeinated for a while, thanks. Just... I don't know, get my gun, I'm going to go shoot Alucard."

-_chuckle- _"As you wish."

* * *

A/N

Can't they have a normal day, a normal conversation, just once?... Nah, apparently not. But yeah, this is so dumb, but I think it's kinda fun. Tell me what you think? Pretty please? Go read my other Hellsing story, it's much funnier.


End file.
